Lifestyle

Lazy Blokes Guide to Becoming a World Champion

12/06/2017

Being introduced as “The reigning world champ” must feel pretty awesome. It’s almost enough to make you turn off the TV, struggle up off your La-Z-Boy and do some training. But take it easy Champ, there are some world titles that don’t require months in the gym. All you need to do is turn up, and beat the other crazy, lazy boys who skipped gym class and like you are now looking for an easy route to the top.

So put the dumbbells down, pick up a donut and choose your future world championship event.

Easiest World Championships

Air Guitar

Eric Clapton, a true musical genius but your teenage years have gone, it’s too late for you to become legendary axeman… Or is it?

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Air Sex

You might not be good at faking it on the air guitar but even a lazy bloke like you can fake it in the bedroom. You got the moves, maybe even world championship winning moves?

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Worm Charming

This is more like it. No grunting or sweating here, just a nice sunny day while you’re communing with nature. And as worms are underground you can even lie down/nap while winning this title.

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Rock Paper Scissors

Think it’s just a game of chance? Think again. With a little bit of science and a steely gaze you could soon be wearing your RPS crown to the pub.

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Cockroach Racing

This is true genius, you become world champ while not evening doing the running. Although you will have to get hold of a thoroughbred ‘roach capable of winning a world title event. And going to Australia because that’s where it’s held.

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Bed Racing

Feeling tired already? Then here’s one world title you can win in your sleep. Simply find a team of mates/mugs to do the running for you.

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Bog Snorkelling

Sadly this doesn’t involve the kind of bog you’ve spent hours reading on, this is a swimming tournament in a wild, Welsh bog. Good luck with that one mate.

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Mobile Phone Throwing

How much do you charge for roaming? What do you mean I went over my minutes? The drunken texts you’ve sent… Or are sick of people videoing everything..? Good young Jedi, channel your anger… Now let it fly.

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Hide & Seek

You don’t even need to be good at seeking. You just need to be good at hiding which is essentially strategic sitting down.

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Pooh Sticks

Dropping sticks, how hard can it be? Plus this is a children’s game so most of your opponents will have pigtails and braces. Surely it’s in the bag already?

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Gravy Wrestling

If you’re northern then this world title virtually runs in your blood. And anyway, if you lose you’ll still get something to pour on a pie. Win/win.

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Paper Airplane Throwing

Tossing cabers? No thanks. Javelin? Still a bit heavy. Paper aeroplanes, here’s something you can throw. A quick google to find the most aerodynamic design and you’re ready to fold your wings and fly.

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Stone Skimming

Slightly heavier than paper but you still shouldn’t need to go pumping iron in order to skim a stone a world championship winning distance. We believe in you.

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Snail Racing

The ultimate lazy bloke’s pet of choice. Training is never strenuous, even taking it for a walk shouldn’t be too taxing. Top tip, take a lissachatina fulica (giant African land snail) to tip the odds in your favour.

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Nettle Eating

In terms of effort it’s no more difficult than eating a salad. Get your technique right and it’s possible to eat nettles without stinging your mouth.

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