The Worst People to Have in Your Paintball Team

Paintball characters

Paintballing is the mainstay of many stag weekends, a perfect manly pursuit where blokes get to play “action man” without actually having to dodge anything more dangerous than some lime green pants and a few nasty bruises.

Top paintball facilities now offer special games purely with stag groups in mind including ‘Paintball Cricket’ where the groom’s clothes are placed at either end of the run and wearing just his Y-fronts he has to run between the wickets as enthusiastic “bowlers” line up either side of the crease and take shots hoping to give him a Dulux make-over before he’s had time to grab all his clobber.

And while we love paintball and maintain it is still the most fun you can have with goggles on, there are invariably a few characters you don’t want on your team…


Paintball man 1Private Parts

Enthusiastic enough but he’s not the sharpest bayonet in the barracks. If you tell him to go left, just make sure you write it on the correct hand for him to follow.

Most likely to; Run into a tree.


Corporal Clean

As much as he’d love to get stuck in, that would involve getting his hands dirty and he’s already used two tubes of alco-gel cleaning the handle of his paint-gun.

Most likely to; Develop a nasty rash.


Paintball man 2Petty Warrant Officer

Is a stickler for the rules, doesn’t quite understand your desire to stay behind and defend your own tree with a crate of beer.

Most likely to; End the afternoon tied to a tree and used for target practise.


Major Hardon

You know when a bloke brings his own paintball gun and camo make-up, he’s going to be a nightmare. This weekend warrior dreams of Rambo and has every action movie DVD ever. Still lives with his mum.

Most likely to; Use phrases like “I’ve done a re-con of their zero, we need fast penetration.”


Paintball man 3Colonel Mustard

While he might be keen as when it comes to giving orders, in actual combat, he’s about as much use as Mrs White, in the library, with the rope.

Most likely to; Blame everyone else when he gets shot (not realising it’s “friendly” fire).


General Accident

Looks nervous before he’s even been handed a gun and will probably go off half-cocked. He’s too busy keeping his head down to actually aim. Do not stand in front of this guy.

Most likely to; Shoot himself, a marshal or you by mistake.


Paintball man 7Major Lee Offensive

If there are any females in the opposing team you can be sure this Neanderthal will be telling them about the “size of his weapon” thinking he actually stands a chance.

Most likely to; Get shot in his grenades.


Captain Calamity

Top bloke, a great mate, but he just has a knack for always being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Most likely to; Get shot in the first 10 seconds.


Paintball man 5Lieutenant Laughing-Boy

The class clown will think it’s great fun taking shots at his own team.

Most likely to; Have to have his paintball gun surgically removed.


Brigadier Bullcrap

Will happily tell you all how he had to leave the S.A.S. after winning too many medals (?!?). In reality the only merit he’s ever received was his 50m swimming badge at cubs.

Most likely to; Have “forgotten” his wallet when you get to the pub later.


Sergeant Sod-It!

Possibly the angriest man ever. At last he has a weekend away from the wife and kids and he’s determined to take out his frustration on anything that moves.

Most likely to; Get tasered by the police after having gone in search of more “enemy” in a nearby town.

Paintball man 8


The Duel! Paintball Guns, Powerslides, Mess!

There are all manor of incredible ranges and combat zones to tackle, from forests and abandoned warehouses right the way up to disused army bases and nuclear bunkers.

The hardware has changed over the years as well with increasingly sophisticated weaponry for weekend warriors to get to grips with. You can even hire your own paintball tank if the standard handheld paintball gun isn’t powerful enough for you.

Assemble the troops and get ready for live action…

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