– the art of understanding your bride to be.
– interpreting the words your bride says in comparison to she means.
– tactics used to help guard against your loved one, turning into bridezilla.
If you’re planning a wedding you might already have noticed the subtle change that has come over your beautiful fiancé. Your once calm, kind and loving girlfriend is now a potentially violent, bordering on psychotic crazy lady who is prone to huffs/tantrums/mood swings/screaming/tears/violence or possibly all of these at the same time.
Dealing with your intended in the planning stages and build-up to the big day is every bit as stressful as bomb disposal, instead of “No, cut the blue wire… CUT THE BLUE WIRE!!!!” you’ll hear “I said the blue napkins… THE BLUE NAPKINS!!!”.
Thankfully here at StagWeb we’ve learnt to speak bridezilla-ese so here’s a quick phrasebook that might just save your life. Good luck and… be careful out there.
The bridezilla phrasebook…
She says… You won’t believe what Pete and his mates did on his stag do. Poor Lisa…
She means… I’m now giving it to you as an example, if you and your mates attempt any of this I’ll give you a sex change as you sleep.
The facts – What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay there. Don’t ruin the wedding day by a moment of madness on the stag do. If in doubt call in the experts, we’ll be happy to create a bespoke weekend package for you that will keep you safe.
She says… That’s one of the things you can organise.
She means… Here’s something even you can’t f*ck up.
The facts – She has woefully overestimated your ability to f*ck up. However this is one of the few tasks she’s going to entrust you with, get help if you need, just don’t mess up or you’ll never hear the end of it.
She says… But you’ll look gorgeous…
She means… Yes your mates will laugh at you but it’s my big day.
The facts – Millions of men have walked down the aisle in an outfit not of their choosing. In fact for many it’s the first time since they were 6 years old that a woman has picked out their clothes but she has already decided what suit needs to be seen beside her dress. Don’t fight it.
She says… …don’t be so racist!
She means… I don’t care if you’re not Scottish, I want to marry a man in a kilt!
The facts – This is one you can actually win by playing the ‘dad card’, get her father to explain that kilts are purely for Scotsmen. Unless he’s Scottish in which case he already hates you for being English and is the last person who’ll help you.
She says… Fine.
She means… This is so far from fine, in fact we’re so far away from fine that we’re in a whole other time zone but I’m now going to simmer… very, very slowly.
The facts – “Fine.” is the most potentially explosive of one word sentences. Handle with care.
She says… You just don’t listen!
She means… More proof that you clearly don’t remember every single thing I’ve said to you since the first day met!!!
The facts – Of course you don’t remember she told you that someone in the crowd was wearing a ‘funny coloured top’ during that England vs Moldova game 3 years ago. The fact that you don’t recognise that very same colour on the edge of the carpet of the 10th venue you’ve looked at is proof (yet again) that you clearly don’t listen!
She says… Is that what you’d like?
She means… I’m giving you a chance to change your mind.
The facts – Read the signs carefully, you can get out of this if you’re smart.
She says… Is that really what you’d like?!?!
She means… Are you mental?!? How did I ever agree to marry someone with so little taste?!?
The facts – This is one of the basics, when it comes to wedding planning, your opinion should only be her opinion repeated. Of course if she suspects for a second that you don’t have an opinion of your own she’ll consider it that you don’t care and she’ll kill you. But if it turns out you do have an opinion of your own but it differs from hers… she’ll kill you.
She says… At Harry and Tabitha’s wedding…
She means… I’m now quoting something ridiculously extravagant to try and show you that what I’m proposing is actually really reasonable…
The facts – Budget is always going to be a source of friction when the dream meets reality but it’s amazing what you can achieve with a bit of charm, creativity and unblinking bargaining prowess, so be prepared to haggle with wedding suppliers.
She says… …well we might as well just cancel the whole bloody wedding then?!?
She means… …I don’t care if we have to sell the house to afford it, this is what I want!
The facts – Planning a wedding is stressful and sometimes the reality of budget constraints can hurt. The likelihood is once she’s stopped seething the two of you can work through the priorities to make the day as perfect as possible. If not you can always try selling a kidney..?
She says… I’m sorry.
She means… I’m sorry.
The facts – She knows sometimes she gets a little crazy but as the bride-to-be that’s her job. It doesn’t mean she loves you any less, but if you can keep a level head despite her madness, once the dust has settled and normal service has been resumed, she’ll love you even more.