Buckle in and listen up guys, it’s likely to get bumpy over the festive season and you don’t want to make an Ed Balls of it. So here’s some friendly advice from fellow festive survivors who’ve been there, done that and still regret buying that festive T-shirt.
Pace yourself at the office Xmas party, after every alcoholic drink have a non-alcoholic drink, you’re less likely to do something that will end up with you being invited in for a ‘little chat’ with HR.
And if you’ve had one too many then it’s not a good time to go over and introduce yourself to the boss’s wife for the first time. That can only end badly.
Ice Ice Maybe?
Run out of ice? You might as well run out of Slade Christmas songs! No good party should ever run out of ice, so get prepared. Make glacial amounts of ice cubes beforehand and put them in plastic bags (back in the freezer obviously!). Or you can buy bags of ice from any supermarket well in advance so you and your drinks can chill.
Last Minute Loser
Don’t leave all your Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve. Again. You’re not Man Utd and this isn’t 1999, so don’t wait until the dying seconds of injury time, get organised early then you won’t have to end up emptying the shelves of Poundland like last year.
Ex Text Pest
New Year’s Eve, you’ve had a few, your mind starts replaying the last 12 months (in rose tinted slow-mo) and after 7 pints, two glasses of champagne and several games of Tequila Mockingbird you decide that now is the time to text your ex. Epic man fail!
Just this one night, leave the phone at home.
Fancy Dress to Impress
Someone said ‘fancy dress’, you heard “Build a full-scale AT-AT costume” and spent the entire evening knocking over everyone’s drinks while hideously uncomfortable and sweating through several layers of cardboard and gaffa tape. Keep it simple, comfortable and easy to sit down in.
Do It on a Whim
No genius idea ever occurred to anyone on New Year’s Eve. If you get a sudden epiphany as the clock ticks down to ask your girlfriend (of two weeks) to marry you/tell the boss to stick his job/confess to your best mate you slept with his sister… Cease and desist immediately. Whatever the alcohol is telling you, it’s a million shades of wrong.
“…and watch this”
Don’t say “Hold my drink and watch this…” Nothing good has EVER followed those words.
Buy Anything That Needs Batteries
Ok, stop sniggering, we’re talking about kids toys here. If you’re visiting nephews/nieces/godchildren/etc then don’t buy gifts that need batteries. 1) Batteries are never included and if you forget them you’re a rubbish Uncle. 2) Anything that requires batteries probably makes a noise and after the first five minutes will get annoying very quickly (in which case save giving this gift just before you leave).
Don’t Look Back in Anger
The last year might not have gone according to plan, the Jan 1st dreams of getting a six pack, new job, writing that novel, forming a band, all fallen by the wayside. But it’s not the end of the world, it’s the end of the year, a new one is about to begin so mentally wipe the slate and start afresh. And this time do it better.
Sharing isn’t Caring
If you’re alone on Christmas Eve and drinking then it’s not the best time to post your true feelings on social media. Be a man about it and keep it bottled up, it’s the British way. We’re kidding, talk to a friend (against all male conventions it’s actually good to talk), but avoid going public as it could lead you open to trolls or bad advice from people who don’t really know you well.
Licence to Kill
You had a skin-full the night before, the hangover isn’t too bad and you need to hit the road… Well don’t. Not if you’re driving, chances are you’re still well over the limit so give the motor a rest and let the train take the strain. Better yet walk it, it’ll be better for the environment and your head.
Simple fact, drink driving kills, don’t be a numpty.
Declare Undying Love
“I love you” can be another bad side effect of being drunk. So make sure you mean it before you say it or it could come back to bite you. Unless you’re talking to your best mate, in which case… “I love you mate… you’re my matey mate mate…” is par for the drunken course.
Wait Up For Father Christmas
It’s not that you’ll catch him out and prove he doesn’t really exist (of course he does), it’s that he’ll force you into a drinking contest. Yeah, Santa’s a boozehound and loves a bet. He’ll lay down a drinking challenge and next thing you know you’re waking up on the floor with your boxer shorts around your ankles, hoof marks on your shoulders and an irrational fear of venison sausages.
“But you said…”
Your girlfriend said not to go crazy on presents this year…
She told you she hasn’t got you much…
“IT’S A TRAP!”
This is a blatant test of how much you really love her. No matter what she says she IS expecting presents. And lots of them.
Do A Blumenthal
Christmas dinner, it’s the best meal of the year and not the time to go all Blumenthal. People will settle for less than perfection but they at least want something edible that doesn’t look like a camel’s ****.
Keep all things in moderation, whether its spending, drinking, putting up decorations or trying to squeeze in one last Brussel sprout, try not to overdo it.
Don’t Listen to the Vodka
Despite what it’s telling you, those aren’t the real lyrics and you haven’t just become the world’s greatest dancer.
Just Say No
Christmas jumpers. Yeah they were funny back in the day when you had to hunt through charity shops to find a truly awful Christmas jumper. But now they’re everywhere, even at work and you HAVE to wear a ‘wacky Christmas jumper” or get fined for not joining in the laughs by the SS Fun Polizei. Stand up for your rights, there are other, non-dictatorial ways to give to charity. Just say no.