Lazy Blokes Guide to Planning a Wedding


Wedding planning sounds like a bit of a palaver to be honest. People stressing about flowers, dresses, food, venues, not letting Uncle Terry get drunk and show the bride’s mum his elephant impression…

But don’t let the bride get her garter in a twist, in fact if you want an easy life (which is surely the very credo of ‘the lazy bloke’) then make sure you take charge of all the wedding planning. Now admittedly taking charge requires a bit of effort but you’ll save yourself a lot of grief (and money) in the long run.

The Venue

“How much??? We just want to hire a room for the day, we’re not moving in!” Wedding venues cost a small fortune, money that would be much better spent at the bar, so rather than give some crumbly old Lord the GDP of a small African nation just to rent out his equally crumbly ‘banquet hall’, find a field or ask down your local pub if he’ll let you have the back room on the promise that you’ll fill it with thirsty relatives. Job done.

The Ceremony

Now you’ve got somewhere to hold the do, you need to take care of the formal bit. Did you know you can actually get married anywhere you want? True dat. Have the do where you want then nip into the local registry office or town hall the next day to take care of the legal stuff.

And rather than be tied down to some boring bloke in a collar, ask one of your mates to get ordained. He can pick a cooler religion like Jedi and once ordained he can do the whole “Dearly beloved, gathered here today we are…” thing.

Get ordained as a Jedi

The Flowers

Another bank busting addition to weddings. Not only are they more expensive than Chelsea’s subs bench but if you’re not careful you can get drawn into lengthy discussions on colour, type, shape, scent, blah, blah, blah… Life’s too short mate.

If you’re thinking of popping the question, firstly sow the seeds. Wildflower seeds. Wildflowers will grow pretty much anywhere, then a year later you can come back, pull up the ones that don’t look like weeds and you’ve got yourself some wedding flowers. Peasy!

The Cake

Now here’s where you need to think clever. You’ve got your venue sorted, now you have to work on the timings. In the morning use your venue to host a cake competition. Yeh you might have to stump up a little prize but you’ll end up with a room full of fancy cakes. Keep the best one to stick the knife in and serve to your guests. Winner winner cakey dinner.

The DJ/Band

We’ve all got that one annoying mate who bangs on about his band or how he’s such a great DJ. Admittedly you haven’t bothered going to see him because, well it’s effort isn’t it, but now it’s his chance to shine. Tell him you’ll let him play your do in return for a few beverages and all the cake he can eat. Just make sure you give him a strict set list beforehand so there’s no Coldplay, Adele or other crimes against music.

The Food

Formally the first meal is known as the ‘wedding breakfast’. Even though it’s actually dinner and there’s no bacon, in fact the wedding breakfast is just another sign of how wedding planners want to come between you and your bank account. Poncy little finger food? No thanks.

Pizza! It’s nutritious (cheese, meat, pineapple), it comes in ready cut slices and they’ll deliver it anywhere. Get 5 of each type and then let your guests help themselves. What’s ‘genius’ in Italian?

complete groom guide

The Photos

Another potentially costly aspect that can be avoided. Everyone has a mobile phone these days. Simply ask all your guests to upload their photos onto a Facebook page as they take them. You can then tell your bride that you’re posting instant updates of your day to share them with those who couldn’t make it. What a caring guy you are!

The Rings

Ok, there’s no way out of this one, you will have to buy her a ring and it will have to be a good one. But on the plus side it’s just a gold band, how much choice can there be..?

The Suits

Go hipster. It’ll show the new Mrs what a cool guy she’s marrying plus you’ll save a whole heap of cash. Get your group of groomsmen assembled and hit the high street. Now follow the ‘Sale’ signs until you find somewhere that has matching trousers, waistcoats and bowties in your sizes. Add some Converse style trainers and tell all the guys to grow a beard. Bang on trend.

The Dress

This one’s kind of tricky… or at least it would be if you weren’t quite so lazy. Hand this task over to your bride-to-be. More than anything it’s the one thing she’ll want to see is done right and seeing as you’ve saved money everywhere else you can give her a bigger slice of the budget so that she can treat herself to a new one. Yes, you are indeed the wedding gift that just keeps on giving.

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