The closed season, a barren wasteland of trips to IKEA and wedding invites (at least that means there’s a few stag dos to go on) that she who must be obeyed has already RSVP’d to on your behalf. Apparently, you’d love to go and can’t wait to shell out a ridiculous amount of money on this year’s must-have coffee maker.
But there’s still an aching gap in your life that no amount of checking the transfer rumours (several times a day) can fill. You need action. Without too much real effort.
So, here’s our Lazy Blokes Guide to Filling the Football Void.
All the fun of football but without any of that running and sweating. Football Golf is a brilliant mash-up of two of the world’s greatest games. A full-sized golf course but instead of little balls and hitty sticks, it’s played with footballs and foots.
Still one of the greatest computer games ever, you can literally lose weeks building your dream team and conquering the football world. Or slipping down into non-league football and seeing the club go into liquidation.
Escape to Victory
Simultaneously the best and worst football movie ever made. Best; look at the cast! Pele, Ossie Ardiles, Bobby Moore, Mike Summerbee, Russell Osman, Soren Lindsted, and Michael ‘bloody’ Caine. Worst; Appalling acting from the footballing cast and Sly Stallone trying to make the movie palatable to American audiences.
It’s playing football in the pub! Yep, pool played with footballs, you don’t even need to put down your pint. We feel we’ve said enough already.
Unmask The Secret Footballer
Who is the mysterious footballer turned author who is dishing the dirt on the not so beautiful game? Theories abound about the man behind the hilarious series of books but as yet his identity remains unknown. Even if you don’t manage to suss him out the books are a must for any real student of football.
Let’s. Play. Darts… With footballs. A brilliant way to play arrows without any arrows, as you need all your free kick taking skill to score the max and bow out with a nine-darter/footer.
Ok, so this one requires expending a bit of energy but at least there’s no pre-season training required. While your legs and feet are fee to show off your silky skills, your upper bodies are encased in giant bubbles so you can barge, bully and bounce your opponents off the park. The most hilarious version of football ever! See it here.
Beer & Brunch
Yeah, you’re a metrosexual guy, you can do brunch. Especially when it’s served in a pub. Alongside an ice-cold beer. Just try not to look at the big screen showing bloody cricket that was once filled with glorious football action.
Get that monkey off your back while going behind the scenes of your club. Get access to the trophy room (“Bloody hell it’s empty in here!”), take a peek in the dressing rooms, walk down the player’s tunnel and sit in the dugout (“Oi Ref, should’ve gone to Specsavers!”). See it here.
Mike Basset England Manager
That bloke from The Royal Family ably assisted by that bloke from The Chase in a worryingly true-feeling depiction of just how the England team is run. It’s not about to win any BAFTAs but it will scratch your football itch.
Two things the Germans are annoyingly good at; taking penalties and making beer. And while there’s more chance of you pulling Abbey Clancy’s better-looking sister than England beating Deutschland at pens, you can at least spend an evening drowning your sorrows at a hilarious bierkeller night while laughing at lederhosen (“We’ve got Ben Sherman Fritz!”).
Spend time in the great outdoors without the indignity of having to put up your own tent or living off a diet of tinned beans and sausages. It’s a great way to get away with the lads, enjoy a bit of nature and still have access to a fridge full of cold beers. See it here.
National Football Museum
Churchill War Rooms? Natural History? National Lawnmower Museum? No thanks, we like our history a bit more spherical. This superb building in Manchester is totally dedicated to one subject and it is crammed with amazing facts, displays, football memorabilia and more. You can even have a go yourself and show off your free kick and penalty skills. Genuinely a brilliant day out. See it here.
You remember that watery stuff that rolls up the sandy bit? Yeah, the beach, that’s it. It’s still there and now’s the time to go and enjoy a day on it, get a bit of a tan, sink a few beers, maybe even whip up a BBQ. Plus this time of year it’s full of bikini-clad eye candy just waiting to enjoy your samba football skills.