It’s the greatest game ever! Where else do you get to shoot your best mate in the happy sack from close range? Repeatedly? But like anything in life, occasionally things don’t go according to plan, so here’s our sit rep of the worst things that can happen on a paintball field. Lock ‘n’ load.
Bump Into Your Boss
You’re there for a stag do. Turns out he’s there because ‘it’s his life!’. Not happy with barking orders at work, he thinks he’s a general on the paintball field too and you’ve just become his new best mate/lieutenant. Try not to tell him he’s not only a sh*t shot but also a massive ****! Just shoot and smile, shoot and smile.
Fight Your Ex’s New Fella
We’re not talking fisticuffs. You turn up with your mates, ready for laughs when fate shoots you in the nads by putting your ex’s new bloke on the opposing team. You don’t have a beef with the guy but he clearly feels he has something to prove and only has you in his sights for the next two hours.
Get Stitched Up
“Yay, happy birthday mate. No, forget the overalls, we’ve got you this pink polka dot ballerina costume to wear. Because that’s what friends are for!” Not only do you look and feel like a t**t, you stand out a mile making you a massive target on the scale of Anne Hegarty’s pants.
Join the Weekend Warriors
Your first-time paintballing, you’ve been invited by your cousin who it turns out, along with his mates, takes paintball unbelievably seriously. The cringe inducing afternoon results in your cousin’s best mate ‘Crazy Nigel’ (he’s actually an accountant) screaming “I’ll kill every mother****ing one of you!” and reducing a team of 11-year olds to tears.
All those hours honing your skills on Call of Duty only to discover that with a real gun you’re as lethal as lettuce. You thought you’d be spraying shots and picking off targets like John McClane at a bullet sale. The reality is you couldn’t hit Beyonce’s backside with a bazooka and with the enemy closing in you’re starting to panic, “What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!?”. You get shot, that’s what you do.
Right in the Man Veg!
There’s perhaps very few things in life that can prepare you for the pain of taking a paintball to the boy bits from close range. Take all the hangovers you’ve ever had and concentrate that pain in one thirty second burst, direct to your man-sack. Yeah, it’s nuclear bad. But whatever you do don’t go home and declare “Childbirth is nothing compared to this!” or you’ll find out that actually there is another level of pain after all.
Join the Worst Team Ever
Yes it is just a bit of fun, no you don’t want to be the guy that takes it too seriously, but you at least thought the guys would have some kind of tactical nowse. As your entire team gets wiped out in under four minutes for the third game in a row it’s dawning on you that staying up last night to read The Art of War was probably a waste of time.
Ready for action? You can battle it out on some of the UK’s top paintball sites.