Best Man Speech Jokes: 50 Hilarious Lines

If you’ve been landed with best man duties, there’s a fair chance one part is bothering you more than anything else: the speech.

Not the suit. Not the stag do. Not keeping the groom out of trouble.

The speech.

And more specifically: how do you make it funny without dying on stage or offending half the wedding?

That’s where this guide comes in. Below, you’ll find 58 best man speech jokes that actually work — from opening lines and one-liners to groom jokes and closing lines that send everyone off smiling.

We’ve also included a few jokes to avoid, plus a simple structure you can use if you’re still staring at a blank page.

Quick Picks: The Best Best Man Speech Jokes

In a rush? Start here.

Best opening line:
“Attractive, smart, caring, an all-round great guy… but that’s enough from me, I’m here to give a speech about [insert groom’s name].”

Best safe joke:
“Marriage is finding that one person you can annoy for eternity and still be their favourite.”

Best joke about the groom:
“So where do I start with [insert groom’s name]? Well, he’s handsome, intelligent, charming… sorry… [insert groom’s name] I’m having trouble reading your handwriting.”

Best closing line:
“To [insert bride’s name] and [insert groom’s name], we all knew he found the one when he started spending more time with [insert bride’s name] than playing FIFA.”

Best joke to avoid:
“I’ve been told if I do a good job today, I can be the best man at the next wedding!”

New Best Man Speech Jokes for 2026

If you want something fresher than the same old wedding lines, these newer jokes are easy to personalise and land well with modern crowds.

“The great thing about [Bride’s Name] and [Groom’s Name] is how well-balanced they are as a couple. She’s organised, thoughtful and sensible… and he’s very lucky.”
“I was so glad when [Groom’s Name] finally met [Bride’s Name]… just because there’s only so many times you can say: ‘there’s someone out there for everyone’ before you start doubting it yourself.”
“I’d like to thank [Bride’s Name] for making [Groom’s Name] a better man. It was a big job, and frankly, we’d all given up.”
“[Groom’s Name] really has matured since meeting [Bride’s Name]. He now makes the bed, owns indoor plants, and pretends to enjoy farm shops. It’s been hard to watch.”
“I’ve known [Groom’s Name] for years, and he’s always been there for me. Usually late, underprepared, and without the thing I asked him to bring… but there.”
“Marriage is a partnership… one person remembers everything, and the other one is [Groom’s Name].”
“I asked [Groom’s Name] if he was ready for marriage… he said ‘define ready.’ Which felt honest.”
“They say you become a new person after marriage… which is great news for [Groom’s Name].”

Best Man Speech Opening Lines

A good opener settles your nerves, gets a quick laugh and wins the room early.

“I was told my job today was to make [insert groom’s name] look good… So, unfortunately, I’ll need everyone to squint a bit and lower their standards.”
“I asked [insert groom’s name] what he’d like me to say today, and he replied, ‘Just make sure you keep it short!’ Which, ironically, is what he said the first time he met his in-laws.”
“I spent ages trying to write this speech, but my main problem was that every time I’d finish, [insert groom’s name] lawyer would get in touch.”
“Before we get started, I’d like to thank the bar staff for their quick service today. Thanks to them, I have the confidence to stand up here.”
“If you’re wondering why [insert groom’s name] chose me as his best man, just remember—he once thought it was a good idea to wear [insert bad item of clothing] to their first date.”
“Well, I don’t want to take up too much of your drinking time, so I’ll keep this short.”
“I’ve heard they’ve been running a bet on how long my speech will last. I’ve put £50 on half an hour, so strap in and get comfortable.”
“If anybody here today is feeling nervous or sick, it’s probably because you’ve married [insert groom’s name].”
“I’ve been told not to mention any of [insert groom’s name] mistakes or embarrassments, so thanks for listening everyone, that’s all from me!”
“Attractive, smart, caring, an all-round great guy… but that’s enough from me, I’m here to give a speech about [insert groom’s name].”

Self-Deprecating Best Man Jokes

This is a classic. Take the p*ss out of yourself, it will make the crowd laugh and win them over.

Top tip from StagWeb: go light on these. It comes across as self-centred if you joke about yourself constantly.

“As the best man, my main role is to be the responsible one today—so naturally, I’m the least qualified person here.”
“[Insert groom’s name] said he wanted someone who’d make him look good… so here I am, making his life choices seem genius compared to mine.”
“I’m actually quite nervous about public speaking, but at least I have something in common with [insert bride’s name]—neither of us knows what the groom was thinking by picking me.”
“I’d love to say [insert groom’s name] picked me because of my wit, charm, and good looks, but, well, we all know that’s not the case.”
“I’m actually surprised they handed me the mic. Usually, people just try to keep it out of my reach for everyone’s safety.”

Classic Best Man One-Liners

Include some classic one-liners to keep the jokes punchy and help the speech flow.

“Today we’ve seen two people exchange vows, rings, and a very awkward kiss in front of everyone they know.”
“[Insert groom’s name] asked me for some marriage advice, so I told him to find someone who’s always right. And he did. Congrats to [insert bride’s name].”
“Marriage is like a deck of cards—at first, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. After a while, you just wish you had a club and a spade.”
“They say marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”
“They say love is blind, but marriage is the real eye-opener!”
“Marriage is finding that one person you can annoy for eternity and still be their favourite.”
“We’ve reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see [insert groom’s name] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right, I’ve just given him the drinks bill.”
“I’ve been asked to keep this speech filth-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out.”
“This has truly been a day to remember. [Insert groom’s name] finally bought a round of drinks.”
“I have been looking forward to today. After all this time, [insert groom’s name] has finally admitted I am the best man.”
“Marriage is a partnership… one person remembers everything, and the other one is [Groom’s Name].”
“I asked [Groom’s Name] if he was ready for marriage… he said ‘define ready.’ Which felt honest.”
“They say you become a new person after marriage… which is great news for [Groom’s Name].”

Bold Best Man Jokes for the Speech

Now, bold jokes are hilarious, if used correctly.

Don’t push it, keep it clean, and these will cause laughter without crossing the line.

“You know, people say marriage changes you. I give it about three months before [insert groom’s name] is shamelessly wearing matching pyjamas.”
“Today, [insert groom’s name] made the biggest decision of his life: deciding which of us friends are banned from his house due to ‘bad influence.’”
“Before [insert groom’s name] met the bride, he used to say his best qualities were punctuality and responsibility. So naturally, today he arrived late… and asked me to keep track of the rings.”
“Now, I promised the groom I’d keep this speech respectful and dignified… but that was before he handed me the bar tab.”
“I’m not saying the groom was nervous about today, but he did Google ‘Can you get a refund on a wedding?’ last night.”
“[Groom’s Name] really has matured since meeting [Bride’s Name]. He now makes the bed, owns indoor plants, and pretends to enjoy farm shops. It’s been hard to watch.”

Best Man Speech Jokes About the Groom

Grilling the groom is essential for any best man speech jokes, so pick your favourites and let him have it.

“Less is more, except in [insert groom’s name] case where less really is less.”
“The fact that [insert bride’s name] agreed to marry [insert groom’s name] is proof that not only is love blind, it’s also tone-death and has no sense of smell.”
“And for [insert bride’s name] intelligence really matters. I mean, let’s face it, she can’t be marrying him for his looks.”
“The fact that he ever thought [insert bride’s name] would date him in the first place just goes to show that fortune favours the bold.”
“[Insert groom’s name] is really like family to me. He’s like the little sister I never wanted.”
“When I think of all the people I look up to and respect… you’d be right up there. Serving their drinks.”
“We all know [insert bride’s name] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.”
“As part of my best man research, it turns out I’m supposed to sing [insert groom’s name] praises and tell you about his qualities. Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t sing, and I won’t lie.”
“So where do I start with [insert groom’s name]? Well, he’s handsome, intelligent, charming… sorry… [insert groom’s name] I’m having trouble reading your handwriting.”
“I’m going to keep this speech like [insert groom’s name] – short, simple and not very funny.”
“The great thing about [Bride’s Name] and [Groom’s Name] is how well-balanced they are as a couple. She’s organised, thoughtful and sensible… and he’s very lucky.”
“I was so glad when [Groom’s Name] finally met [Bride’s Name]… just because there’s only so many times you can say: ‘there’s someone out there for everyone’ before you start doubting it yourself.”
“I’d like to thank [Bride’s Name] for making [Groom’s Name] a better man. It was a big job, and frankly, we’d all given up.”
“I’ve known [Groom’s Name] for years, and he’s always been there for me. Usually late, underprepared, and without the thing I asked him to bring… but there.”

Funny Best Man Speech Closing Lines

After charming the crowd, it’s time to close your speech like a legend.

Use these finishing lines for the grand finale:

“As [insert groom’s name] best friend, I couldn’t be prouder of him today. He’s found someone who truly makes him better—let’s just hope [insert bride’s name] has the patience of a saint. Cheers!”
“Before I finish, I’d like to give [insert bride’s name] some words of advice: if at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way you told [insert groom’s name] to in the first place.”
“Thank you for all being here to celebrate two incredible people. May your love grow stronger, and your patience with each other infinite.”
“[Insert groom’s name] told me that the meal was charged per person, so on behalf of the bride and groom, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
“Please can everyone toast to the two young, well, quite young, people in love? To the happy couple!”
“To [insert bride’s name] and [insert groom’s name], we all knew he found the one when he started spending more time with [insert bride’s name] than playing FIFA.”
“Thank you for listening to my first, and probably last, best man speech. It’s been a pleasure to list [insert groom’s name] endless qualities… in such a short space of time.”
“They say marriage is about facing challenges and overcoming them, so [insert bride’s name] has chosen well. [Insert groom’s name] will give her lots of those.”
“A great marriage is where both secretly suspect they were dealt the better hand, which is unfortunate for these two!”
“Here’s to [insert bride and groom’s names]—may your love be as deep as his pockets and as endless as her patience. Cheers!”

Best Man Speech Jokes to Avoid

Some jokes are so overused, awkward or risky they’re better left out completely.

Steer clear of these cliché, outdated, and cringe-worthy jokes or the speech will fall flat on its face:

“It has been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.”

Why? It’s literally the “why did the chicken cross the road?” of the best man speech world.

“I’ve been told if I do a good job today, I can be the best man at the next wedding!”

Why? It’s offensive and assumes the marriage will fail. It’s not what the couple want to hear on their special day.

“[Insert bride’s name], please put your hand flat on the table. [Insert groom’s name], please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment, [insert groom’s name], because it’s the first and last time you’ll have the upper hand.”

Why? This joke has been used thousands of times before. Seriously, you can do better.

“I know [insert groom’s name] is nervous about today, but he’s probably more nervous about his new mother-in-law.”

Why? Avoid mother-in-law jokes, you’re just playing with fire.

Any ‘ball and chain’ or freedom jokes.

Why? It’s outdated, negative, and has been told countless times.

A Simple Best Man Speech Structure

If you’re still unsure how to fit the jokes together, use this:

1. Welcome
Introduce yourself and explain your relationship with the groom.

2. Formal intro
Reply to the groom’s thanks to the bridesmaids and groomsmen.

3. The bride
Compliment the bride — it’s time to be charming before grilling the groom.

4. The groom
Now you can rip into your best friend, and let the fun begin.

5. Soften the blow
Yes, you have to say some kind words about him.

6. Messages
Take time to read any messages from individuals who couldn’t attend.

7. Toast
Close the speech by asking everybody to raise their glass to the happy couple.

That’s it. You do not need ten minutes. You do not need a full stand-up set. And you definitely do not need Dutch courage.

Final Thoughts

We’ve been helping stags since 2002, so we know what makes the perfect best man speech.

A funny best man speech doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to sound like you, make the room laugh a few times and show the groom you’ve actually put some thought in.

Keep it short. Keep it clean-ish. Keep it mostly about him.

Want further tips? Here is our Best Man Speech Ideas Guide, with tips from the experts.

If you want to become the ultimate best man, check out our Best Man Essentials blogs and articles – and you can take all the credit.

FAQs

What is the best man supposed to say?

While there is no official rulebook, the best man is expected to cover: an introduction, thank everybody, compliment the bride, joke about the groom, tell personal anecdotes, and close with a toast. This is thoughtful, entertaining, and concise, with enough space to work with.

What are good opening lines for a wedding speech?

This depends on your angle. Often, the best man introduces himself to the crowd and talks about how they met the groom. Keep it simple and use our best man speech jokes for a strong start.

How to introduce yourself as the best man?

Start by introducing yourself and how you met the groom. Next, mention anecdotes from your friendship. We recommend keeping your introduction short and sweet; it’s not about you, it’s about the groom and bride.

How many jokes should a best man speech have?

Usually 3 to 6 is plenty. You want consistent laughs, not a machine-gun routine. Too many jokes can make the speech feel forced.

How long should a funny best man speech be?

Around 4 to 7 minutes is the sweet spot. Long enough to tell a story and land a few jokes, short enough that people still want to hear the end.

Best Man Speech Jokes: 58 Funny Lines (+ New Jokes for 2026)