Woohoo! You got engaged and now the world has gone nuts! Here's some stuff every groom should know, we're not going to pretend it can help you through the madness, it really can't, but at least you might make it out alive. So yeah, congratulations and hold on tight.

What you need to know...

  • 1Women own "Wedding club" and you're not invited. The bride, the bride's mum, your mum, the bridesmaids, the woman who lives next door to the florist's Auntie... They all have an opinion on your wedding and it's more important than yours.
  • 2Your best friend is already planning your downfall. Speech, stag prank, whatever, you made him 'Best Man' and now you must feel his mirth/wrath. "I will destroy you!"
  • 3All your mates are secretly enjoying your misery. It's your own fault for swapping the brotherhood for married life.
  • 4No matter how much money you save for the big day, it is slightly less than your bride-to-be needs in order to create 'the perfect wedding'.
  • 5Everyone will need feeding. Another blow to the budget because you're not allowed to tell them all to just bring a packed lunch.
  • 6Yes, the colour of the napkins really is important and if you can't see that then you're clearly not the man she thought you were. Apparently.
  • 7Remember all the pranks you've played on your mates at their stag dos? Payback's a bitch!
  • 8The only hymns people can remember are the ones they sang in school assembly.
  • 9Yes, you're in love, yes you want to spend the rest of your lives together, but during the wedding planning there will be times you want to kill each other. It's all part of the fun.
  • 10Every single supplier you deal with will add a couple of zeros to the bill because you uttered the magic word "Wedding". "Why didn't we lie and say we're having a funeral?!?"
  • 11The only thing worse than a proctologist with fat fingers is a vicar who thinks he's a stand-up comedian.
  • 12You will have to do a first dance. Everyone is going to be staring at you (top tip, ask all your joint friends to come and join you after the first verse and chorus).
  • 13The best man's speech is last, so no matter what, he will get the last word at the wedding reception.
  • 14Everyone is going to buy you a present. But you're going to have to buy them dinner first.
  • 15When the officiant says "...until death do you part..." whatever you do, don't say, "Shit, seriously?"
  • 16There is a party like an S-club Party, this one is called a stag do and it's going to be epic!
  • 17Despite any stresses and worries, the wedding day really will be the best day of your life.

So, there you have it. Everything every groom should know about being getting hitched. Keep your head down and your wallet handy. Do your best not to ask too many stupid questions. Try not to look anyone directly in the eye and never, ever say "Well we're not paying that!" She'll only take it as a challenge.
Good luck.

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